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Did You See That?
Great Cable Tv Moments

[Stuff magazine, UK edition, 1998]

WHY bother with cable TV? There's already more stuff on terrestrial than you have time to watch. Fools! It may not exactly be The World At War, but if you don't have cable, you'll miss stuff like this. And then you'll be sorry.

(Live TV)
Tiny little bloke shouts the weather forecast as he jumps up and down on a trampoline, bobbing in and out of shot: “It'll be (boing!) windy in (boing!) Macclesfield.” He later reappears in the 90-second black and-white epic, Topless Darts On The Titanic, wearing a sea captain's hat.

(When Animals Attack III, Sky One)
Armed with a huge gladiator-style net, a hapless Detroit city official goes after a pair of savage Rottweilers running loose in the park. He panics, entangles himself from head to foot and blunders around shrieking like a madman caught in a very big mesh while his mates try to pull the dogs off him.

(Raging Planet, Discovery Channel)
It looks like an ordinary city street apart from the vast wall of water rushing up it at the speed of sudden death. Murky, night-time video footage full of sloshing and screaming, but maybe all the professional film crews were busy drowning. Another triumph from the masters of the Hysterical Science school of programming.

(Paramount Comedy Channel filler)
A man dressed up as a cat waits to cross the road at a traffic light, minding his own business. A second man, in a dog suit, walks up behind him and casually beats him senseless with an iron bar. In slow motion. Then he walks away. None of the many passers-by say a word.

(MBC - Arabic channel)
Unbelievably low-grade Indian action flick dubbed into Arabic. The chunky heroine wears a party dress from a Seventies shopping catalogue for trailer trash. She machine-guns a boatload of baddies identified by their white T-shirts. Not a hole nor a speck of blood appears as they plummet howling to their doom. “Aieee! LADY SMUGGLER!” bellows the evil mastermind, but it's too late for him. And us.

NO NEWS . . .
The BBC's shining experiment in pissing our money up the wall. A pair of presenters cheerfully spell out newspaper columns to each other for as long as you can bear to watch: “No, listen to this one, it's great. . .” Good to see such pro-active newsgathering techniques in force: “Here is the news, we read it in the papers.”

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